Congratulations! If you are reading this, odds are you survived the 2015 USAW Nationals (relatively) unscathed. Trust me, this was no easy task, what with the 100-degree heat and the conflicted emotions of watching a 15-year-old kid clean and jerk more weight than most of us can even dream of loading.
Now that we’ve returned to our daily lives, we get to experience the final payoff for all the blood, sweat, and tears: the chance to update our social media accounts with the post-competition status that proclaims our victory. This is the chance to assert our dominance with false modesty and declare ourselves, in the words of one champion, “American as F*ck”, which presumably means we spend all day drinking gasoline and giving tax breaks to wealthy friends.
Ye gods! You didn’t come in first place?
Fear not! The
typewriter monkeys dedicated staff at The Human Circus are here to help. So what if Nationals didn’t go *quite* as you’d hoped. So what if you did not, in fact, arrive at the top of the medal podium in a blaze of fiery glory. Maybe you were relegated to a lower tier on the podium; maybe you were a little lot farther down; maybe you never quite made it past the weigh ins, due to a faulty hot tub and a long night consuming inappropriate amounts of food (we’ve all been there).
Despite the fact that just qualifying for Nationals is a big achievement (even just making it to the gym is more than most people can say), there is still the need to justify your performance to people who probably can’t distinguish between wrestling and weightlifting.
Take heart—the glory of social media is that you can address all of this in one fell swoop thanks to a well-written status update. Whereas in my day I had to spend weeks making excuses for my lackluster performances in person, Facebook allows this to happen instantaneously to your friends—and an overzealous NSA—at the click of a button. Use this handy questionnaire to create your very own, personalized status update (it would be a real “generator” if I knew anything about programming; alas, such mysticism is beyond me). In just a few short questions, you’ll have a few well-crafted sentences conveying your pride, your gratitude to family/friends, and the reason you let them all down, along with an appropriate statement of the social media religious affiliation of your choice.
Questionnaire (for each question, choose any and all that apply):
- Opening sentence:
“Well, the 2015 USAW Nationals just finished and I ___
a) didn’t do as well as I’d hoped.”
b) did so poorly I must now commit seppuku.”
c) accidentally weighed in two classes heavy.”
d) at least made a total, thanks to duking one of the judges a fiver before the session.”
e) am still locked in the sauna. Please send help.”
- Falsely modest excuse of dubious authenticity:
“I guess it’s not too bad for ___
a) only having trained seriously for two months.”
b) only having been lifting for two months.”
c) only having learned the Olympic lifts that morning.”
d) lifting while injured with this nonspecific injury that keeps popping up.”
e) lifting while on fire.”
- Internet expression of laughter to indicate your good humor and general self-deprecation:
- Statement of familial gratitude and/or friendship:
“Huge thanks and love to ___
a) my parents, for getting carried away while listening to a Lionel Richie CD all those years ago.”
b) the wolves that raised me as one of their own.”
c) the commune that rescued me from the wolves when I was a child.”
d) any children I may have abandoned to wolves along the way.”
e) my firstborn son, whom I sacrificed to the weightlifting gods in the hopes of a better snatch.”
- Statement of religious affiliation:
“Glory be to the source of all true strength, ___
d) The Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
e) Mike Graber.”
- Cryptic religious quote indicating the depth of your newfound spirituality:
a) “Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.” (2 Kings 2:24)
b) “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.” (Deuteronomy 23:1)
c) “People are just like camels, out of one hundred, one can hardly find a single camel suitable to ride.” (Vol. 8, Book 76, Hadith 505)
d) “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing.” (Song of Solomon, 6:6)
e) “I am the walrus.” (John Lennon)
- Declaration of renewed commitment to training and/or return to the grind:
“Time to get back to ___
a) the gym.”
b) the job I have been ignoring during contest prep.”
d) eating every meal like it’s my last until the next time I have to cut weight.”
e) posting selfies on Instagram instead of training.”
- Positive note on which to end:
“On to ___
a. bigger weights!”
b. admitting I should be in the next weight class up!”
c. reconnecting with my wolf family!”
d. getting a refund from the televangelist who promised me results!”
e. crossing my fingers until the USADA results come back!”
Et voila! You now have your status update. For example:
“Well, the 2015 USAW Nationals just finished and I at least made a total, thanks to duking one of the judges a fiver before the session. I guess it’s not too bad for only having been lifting for two months. lulz. Huge thanks and love to my parents, for getting carried away while listening to a Lionel Richie CD all those years ago. Glory be to the source of all true strength, Superman. “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing.” (Song of Solomon, 6:6) Time to get back to eating every meal like it’s my last until the next time I have to cut weight. On to bigger weights!”
Just like that, all your bases are covered. And conveniently, this can be altered for all sorts of events beyond the 2015 Nationals: local meets, international meets, first dates—you name it. Because the reality is that everyone, at some point, has a bad competition. Except C.J. Cummings, of course.
Feel free to use and share on Facebook, Instagram, MySpace, and your AOL Page. And anyone who has the ability to actually program a real generator—which is presumably a skill you learn in day one of Java—is more than welcome to do so.